Happily Ever After

Three successful couples share their secrets

For Alisa Bowman, the combination of a new baby, a new house and husband Mark’s new business had taken its toll. On Mother’s Day 2007, she told Mark they needed to start working on their eight-year marriage or it would end in divorce.

“I read 12 self-help books that summer,” says the 38-year-old Emmaus woman. “Mark isn’t a reader, but he would read the sections I marked and was very willing to do the quizzes and exercises.” They worked on forgiveness, communication, intimacy and more. Alisa dubbed the effort “Project Happily Ever After” and chronicled their progress online.

The Bowmans’ work paid off; they privately renewed their vows that September and went on a second honeymoon this year. “The official project is over, but you never stop working,” Alisa says. “I don’t read self-improvement books every day, but I do ask myself if we’re talking enough, if I hug him enough, and if we’re romancing each other.”

Does a happy marriage always take this much effort? It’s easier if you have similar values and interests to start with, says psychologist Mary Kaland, Ph.D., of Lehigh Valley Health Network. “But you do need to work at communicating. The other hallmark of happy couples is that they consider their spouse their best friend.”

Nancy and Todd Stansbery of Allentown credit the success of their 18-year marriage to the fact that they’re both talkers with a similar approach to problems. “We see life’s ups and downs as growing pains,” says Nancy, 41. “Your strength as a couple builds with each challenge you face.”

Bob and Eileen Shovlin of Allentown have seen their share of challenges. Their 22-year union was a second marriage for both and involved five children ages 9 to 16. “The struggles of blending our families tested us,” says Eileen, 61. “Sometimes I had to tell him things he didn’t want to hear. Because of our respect for each other, we were willing to do anything to make it work.”

All three of these couples have a perspective on marriage that only comes with experience. “Most couples are so busy in the early years, they don’t realize they haven’t been communicating very well,” Kaland says. By the time they’ve navigated some problems, learned to talk openly and developed common interests, it’s not surprising that they thoroughly enjoy each other’s company. “Our marriage was good at the beginning, but it has definitely gotten better,” Todd Stansbery says. “We have gotten more honest in our communication, and we both realized we are each other’s best friend.”

What can dating couples learn from these veterans? “Spend plenty of time together to see if you have common interests,” Kaland says. “Talk about things like politics and religion to see if you can handle difficult issues.” If you’re already married: “Devote time to discussing your marriage, how you’ve handled problems, and what you could have done differently to reinforce this vital relationship.”

This page last updated 1/19/10 11:24 AM