Promoting Healthy Teen Relationships

Parents can provide valuable guidance—and serve as good role models, too.

Jessica Bellesfield, 16, was enamored with him when they met. The boy was good-looking, fun and seemed perfect ...at first. “Then he began putting me down and doing drugs,” she says.

Her parents tried punishment to keep the two apart, but that only seemed to encourage the relationship. “Eventually, I noticed I was changing for the worse,” the Easton girl says. An older friend urged her to seek counseling at Turning Point of the Lehigh Valley, an agency that helps victims of abuse. She did, and stopped seeing the boy. “Now, I tell my friends that we all deserve healthy relationships,” she says.

Nearly one in five teen-aged girls are abused by someone they’re dating, and boys can be victims, too, says Julie Dostal, M.D., a Lehigh Valley Hospital and Health Network family physician on Turning Point’s board. “Teens are testing out relationships, and their dating radar isn’t always good,” says Dostal, herself the mother of two teens. “As a parent, you can guide them to make wise choices.” Her suggestions:

Talking to your teen

• Reinforce self-esteem. An insecure teen may see controlling and jealous behaviors as acts of love. “Offer real, positive feedback to show that her interests and opinions count,” says Pam Pillsbury, educational director of Turning Point and mother of a teen. “Tell her you’re proud of her for writing that article or trying out for that team.”
• Teach by example. “Be respectful of your own partner. Don’t belittle with insults or slammed doors,” Dostal says. “Show what a loving relationship is meant to be.”
• Learn about her relationships. Plan regular “dinner dates” with your teen—quality time to help her open up. “In a nonjudgmental way, ask, ‘Can the two of you talk openly about problems? Do you share decision-making? Is he supportive?’ ” Dostal says. “Discuss the benefits of a boyfriend with similar values.”
• Discuss other people’s relationships. “Talk about the friend whose boyfriend isolates her, versus the couple that spends time with other friends as well as each other,” Dostal says.
• Be supportive. Tell her she can come to you if someone hurts her physically, verbally or sexually. “My daughter knows she can call my cell phone at any hour,” Pillsbury says. “She knows I might get upset about the situation, but never with her.”
• Encourage her to confide in trusted adults. “Sometimes it’s easier for a teen to talk with a teacher or grandparent,” says Barbara Katz, M.D., adolescent specialist at Lehigh Valley Hospital and Health Network. “And ask your family doctor to talk with her about safe relationships.”
• Link her with programs such as Safe Night, a conference created by and for teens that educates about violence (see page 33 for details). Or ask your teen’s school to offer Turning Point’s “Healthy Relationships” and “Dating Violence” programs.

Recognizing abuse

In an abusive relationship, her boyfriend may begin to call constantly and expect her to be there. She may change her hair or makeup on his demand, withdraw from interests and friends, and have unexplained injuries.

“In a caring way, discuss how you notice her changing. Ask her, ‘Is this what you want?’ ” Pillsbury says. “Blaming her boyfriend directly will just make her defend him. It feeds into what he tells her: ‘I’m the only one who understands you. Your family is against me.’ ”

If she is in physical danger, call police and the Turning Point 24-hour hotline at 610-437-3369. Consider a protection from abuse (PFA) legal order. (If she’s 18 or over, she must file for herself.)

Bellesfield’s advice to other teens: “Verbal abuse can lead to physical abuse,” she says. “Don’t let your boyfriend or girlfriend even joke about stuff that makes you feel low.”

Want to Know More? Share Turning Point’s healthy relationships and safe dating brochures with your teen. for copies, call 610-402-CARE.

This page last updated 12/17/08 09:44 PM